Huge long Norwegian "Ufffff".. The kind that stings, please. Something should stop this nonsense. I know not whether to cry or cry.. Its all so lost. Such morgue. But alive in the hate for me. And I know I need articulation of this hate and I know I am not in the right. The person I wish to portray myself as and the one I am being are Napoleonic apart. Somehow I am so distant from my own image of what to be tare not the same. I am completely and utterly lost. I am told I hate. And I don't think I can live with that.
I don't hate! I just live in fear. I don't wish other people ill.
How we deal with loss I have thought much of lately. 

Clouds

The cloud of Torndheim.
The one who I got and the one who got away.
Its serine... a word a wonderful man once thought me. I've spent most day wanting to punch people  Not a great place to be. Being discarded and dismissed, inarticulate, superfluousness  inept and wrong..its a lot to take. But luckily a man is there for me. Just for me. And its where I want to be

Ach, und könnt' ich doch 
nur ein einz'ges mal 
die Uhren rückwärts dreh'n. 
Denn wie viel von dem, 
was ich heute weiß, 
hätt ich lieber nie gesehn. 

Es gibt kein Weg zurück. 
Es gibt kein Weg zurück. 

Dein Leben dreht sich nur im Kreis, 
so voll von weggeworf'ner Zeit, 
deine Träume schiebst du endlos vor dir her. 
Du willst noch leben, irgendwann, 
doch wenn nicht heute, wann denn dann? 
Denn irgendwann ist auch ein Traum zu lange her. 

And that was it

I have cursed you for letting me go. For putting it to bed and for moving on.
I know just too well how easy it is. A shame really.
I had a hunch, that's why I fought it so,- because I know what happens when you let go.
Let it go, set sail, vanish, drift away. Something once gale force.

Now, that I gave up as well. Once I put it to bed. It's hard to remember a thing.
That's how it works. Like a dusty mantelpiece on a shelf.
That's what I was scared of and why I acted like a leech.
I knew once I let go there would be nothing left.
When I too let go, there would be nothing left of you and me.
But here I am also slipping into the letting go, and thus
we are nothing but very very little anymore.
I'm a rubber band that stretches far too long, but once it snaps.. 

Up for air

I'm up for air. It's time to live again. Somewhere within the last 16 months I lost myself. Where did I go?

Honestly I don't know. But I sure was gone. 

I'm sure some of you must have had a similar experience at some point in your life. Where a year or more of your life just seems a hazy fog, and its as if it never happened. You can see yourself walking through that phase as a zombie. It's you, but it isn't at the same time.
You want to yell out to the you in the past all sorts of warnings and corrections, yet you know deep down it would not have mattered. That period of time was doomed. It's time you will never get back.But you have the option to continue the zombie-version of yourself or snap out of it. Mostly it passes on it's own, however every now and then you must give it a little push.
Once the smallest of push is made, and you step out of the underworld ready to become yourself again.
The one you used to be, the one you were at your best,- the one you know you could be and the one you should be...magic can happen. I have exited zombie-world and faced the mirror. And I said "enough of this shit!
I might be flawed in every conceivable way, but I don't wish this existence on my worst enemy. I miss ME!"I might be flawed in every conceivable way, but I don't wish this existence on my worst enemy. I miss ME!"
As one say "Misery loves company", the same applies to positivism. Since I snapped out of my misery I have had a string of good luck. Good for me !

Great article about the effects of isolation and loneliness. No wonder I have been going bonkers up here in Trondheim

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200308/the-dangers-loneliness

As usual

I can not sleep. Thinking about thinking. Much Bible history thoughts today. Pontus Pilatus. Turn the other cheek.. Planning. What is next? Landlord gave me the last kick in the ass I needed. I am to be out by end of May. They have started measuring things up. Unfortunately my darn back is out again, so I'm lying here contemplating how to embrace my new single life the best. I'm quite sure I will make a mess out of it, but at least it will be my mess and I have nobody expecting the worst of me at all times but myself.  

So bad at doing what i'm told

Do I duck out of things? I guess I'm just really bad at doing the things I should. I chicken out. I duck down. I hide. I disappear.
Why? I don't know.
It takes all the strength I have to crawl up on my feet again. It's so hard to understand I was not enough for him. I could not muster up the me to be. It was not  intentionally. I just couldn't.
And now, knowing Norway does not want or need me, I'm at such a loss. What on earth am I to do next?
I guess saying that everything is possible.

My meeting with the Norwegian health system

There they are. Sat in wheelchairs. They eat breakfast at 10, lunch at 12, dinner at 3, afternoon coffee at 17, evening meal at 19. They are spaced out. They need help with everything. Loose their teeth, forget their names, no memory of their past, no idea of today. Its my job at the moment. I am not sure I am cut out to do this. 

How do they do it? Just move on like that? I cant. I simply can not. They find a way to erase you. They find a way to become null  again, just jump the stuff and move on. I don't know how you work that. I haven't got it in me. Just like that it's all gone tomorrow. Its gone. He can. Erase me now: YES
Why can't I?

Walk the streets alone at night

There is something magical about walking alone through empty city streets at night. Just got back from one of those walks. From 01.30-03.00 AM. Besides a cat and two junkies I did not encounter a single soul. Wonderful. Some women are scared to walk alone at night. Although I respect and understand that, it's sad they will never feel that utterly eerie yet exhilarating feeling you get from walking alone in empty streets at night. Long shadows, streetlights, buildings look different, you can hear your own footsteps in the most busy streets all of a sudden. I used to love walking the streets of Vienna at night. In the summertime. Often with my heels in my hand coming home and sobering up in the soothing night-air. An occasional taxi passing by or the sound of a lovers spat out of a window. In Glasgow it was next to impossible to find empty streets as it's always filled with students staggering home. Some fantastic memories from Malta as well. I've had the privilege of having the entire Promenade to myself. I've always loved the night. I  am an owl. The night is my friend. It wraps me like a velvety blanket and stimulates my mind. No clutter. My best thinking, problem-solving and decision-making has always occurred strolling the streets at night.    

I'm feeling old.. But should I?

Age is an issue of mind over matter.  If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.  ~Mark Twain

You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your self-confidence, as old as your fear; as young as your hope, as old as your despair.  ~Douglas MacArthur

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.  ~Chili Davis

In youth the days are short and the years are long; in old age the years are short and the days long.  ~Nikita Ivanovich Panin

In a man's middle years there is scarcely a part of the body he would hesitate to turn over to the proper authorities.  ~E.B. White

Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.  ~Mark Twain,Following the Equator

Youth is a wonderful thing.  What a crime to waste it on children.  ~George Bernard Shaw

Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternative.  ~Maurice Chevalier, New York Times, 9 October 1960

Do not regret growing older.  It is a privilege denied to many.  ~Author Unknown

Facebook is toxic. Turns anyone into stalking loons

I have for years used Facebook normally. Hardly posted a thing.
Ever since the break-up with captain I have shamefully become this perverted stalker. It's not helped that from being a fairly "medium/light FB user, hes now using it like the average teenager. It's like he found a new toy or drug.
I'm suddenly obsessing over this idiotic social page like Sherlock Holmes on a good day.
All the time feeling disgusted with myself. Always asking myself "what the fuck am I doing?"
I have often scorned the people who spend their lives on Facebook. "Get a life", I said. And then some.
Yet, here I have been hunting for posts, threads, comments and what not. Trying to piece together whatever nonsense and lunacy I can think of. Hardly healthy, but highly addictive.
Forgetting as well that the lives people reflect on Facebook is the sunny side up.
I's no accurate reflection of how people's lives are in-between the glory and glitter posted and tagged.
But it stops now. I've put myself on a strict FB detox. I've used all options available for blocking, deleting, hiding- you name it. This nonsense stops with immediate effect. Let his and everyone else's perfect lives float in cyberspace, and I will beever on with my own quite average and boring life. But at least not feeling perverted or at least not with the need to post and comment every 2 hours.
My new FB cleansed life starts now...

Forgiving oneself.. Getting past the past

Why is forgiving oneself for past mistakes so damn hard? I am such a forgiving person to others. People have gotten away with murder and I just cannot seem to get past my past.
Its a movie that loops featuring "every mistake I have made". If rumination was a sport I would be in olympic class. What is rumination really? My friend Wiki tells us: Rumination is defined as the compulsively focused attention on the symptoms of one's distress, and on its possible causes and consequences, as opposed to its solutions.^[1] Rumination is similar to worry except rumination focuses on bad feelings and experiences from the past, whereas worry is concerned with potential bad events in the future.^[1] Both rumination and worry are associated with anxiety and other negative emotional states.^[1]

So.. Why do I keep up with this? Most people will have forgotten my mistakes. Most people will remember me for the good times, whereas Im paranoid thinking Im remembered for my flaws and mishaps only!
This has to stop as its ruining my future and my focus.
I wow that I shall not ruminate today and work towards forgiving myself when and as soon as I can. 

Norway did not work out

I dont know how to move forward. I can't move sideways. Backwards is impossible. I don't cast a shadow anymore. I move around looking for things I can't find. Things that don't exist. There was brilliance in me once. Or at least I think there was. Or it is comforting believing that there was. Norway ate me. Everything here is organized. Systems. Observation. Letters. Emails. Sms. Do this. Fill in that. Report, supply, obmit, deliver.. Im choking. To the point where I dont even think I can breathe anymore. Feels like I dont. The Norwegian government is breathing for me.