Enough is enough

Ok. So I have been completely comatose for 4 months. Enough is enough.
When I have been trying so hard to figure out what went wrong, or more spesifically, where I did wrong, I had a sudden realization.. It´s a complete waste of time!
If the man does not want me, it is pointless whatever answers I get.
HE DOES NOT WANT ME! That is the only thing I need to know..
So, it´s time to pick myself up and move on.
I am too old to waste any more time on this fiasco.

Life, are you still out there for me, please?
If I reenter,will you please be gentle with me?
I´ll do better this time round. I promise.

Have nobody to love any longer

There are so many nuances to this separation.. it never feils to stop me in my tracks as I truly make a holehearted effort here to move on and get on with my life. Walking home tonight I had a realization. I have noone to love any longer?
Yes yes, there are mums and pets and God and friends and and... But my love is no
longer wanted. My man has left me hung and dry. And my love is not returned any longer. He's no longer in love with me. He does not want me. And I am now alone again. Different this time. I like being alone. But this was not vulentary loneliness. This was not the life I had in my mind and heart at all.
And when I move I will wake up alone. And one day I will meet him holding his new girl. And there is absolutely nothing I can do about any of it. Can this really be true? Is there absolutely nothing I can do?
(Besides torturing myself with these no-brainer questions, that I in vain pretend have an "out of the box" solution to it, when in fact I'm just dilutional..)

Moving House but can't let go

I've found a new home. A sweet little corner house. Three floors, and a great bedroom. Scarily steep stairs and a TV. Haven't had a TV since January.
But packing up here is not happening. I am procrastinating. Cannot bring myself to
start moving. It's the third time I move on this island, but the first where I separate everything into his and hers. And the move itself was not my choice, I had no say in it. What's mine, what's yours. And you not being here, makes all those choices very hard. I don't want you to ever think I would take something out of greed. It hurts to go through all off our life together, it's as if I finally have no choice but to accept the truth. Who can believe there is hope, when I only bring one toothbrush to the little corner house.

Post closure confusion

In the day
In the night
Say it right
Say it all
You either got it
Or you don't
You either stand or you fall
When your will is broken
When it slips from your hand
When there's no time for joking
There's a hole in the plan

you don't mean nothing at all to me
No you don't mean nothing at all to me
But you got what it takes to set me free
you could mean everything to me

I can't say that I'm not lost and at fault
I can't say that I don't love the light and the dark
I can't say that I don't know that I am alive
And all of what I feel I could show
You tonight you tonight

you don't mean nothing at all to me
No you don't mean nothing at all to me
But you got what it takes to set me free
you could mean everything to me

From my hands I could give you
Something that I made
From my mouth I could sing you another brick that I laid
From my body I could show you a place God knows
You should know the space is holy
Do you really want to go?

Life Changes quicker than I

Have you ever felt that "karma" or life itself makes sudden moves, and it's hard to keep up? I am at a place right now, where everything feels like a roller-coster ride I did not sign up for. And, as usual, everything happens at once!
I like predictability and comfort. Chaos and change somewhat frightens me.
With no control I feel lost. But, perhaps I am in control?
Some of these changes are secret thoughts I have hidden on the "harddisk" for a while, just could not bring myself to do anything about it.
In fact. None of the changes I am going through are truly a surprise to me..
Karma is a harsh mistress

You know you are back home when..

- You feel like a child again. Parents never stop acting like parents when you are under their roof. It's a timewarp.
- A sheep or two walks through the garden when you have your morning coffee (Norway)
- You meet old scoolmates and think to yourself, "damn, they look old"
- You forget the wonderful health politics with a dash of christian puritanism of Norway and try to buy a sixpack of beer after 18.00, only to be sent out in shame
- You find some of your old clothes and make sure that no, there is no chance in hell you will EVER EVER fit back into them.
- You find some of your old clothes and blush by the thought of you actually wearing that in public
- Going to bed at 22.00 seems perfectly natural
- All food is nostalgic and tastes great
- You can't wait to get back to your own place, even though the visit home was great

It may just be the dark

Why do thoughts come to us differently after sunset? What us it with the sun setting and the stars appearing that make us humans relaxed, pondering and amazed at all thought suddenly flowing through our mind? I love those hours of utter silence and lonelyness. When it seems you are the only being awake. But it can easily be a time of negativity and sadness. Of longing and when regret, shame, guilt and what if's come to haunt us. There is pure magic in the night. Listen to Debussy's Claire de Lune, next time you feel ambivalent about your lonely nighttime thoughts. The melody perfectly describes the feeling of sitting up after dark. Its neither cheerful nor dark, it's simply the spirit of night.

How we deal with loss

Today Michael's official memorial. An artist that have had an impact on anyone alive today over the age of 15. It's touched me in many ways. Ways I never expected. You see, I have been known to mock him. Not just a bit. What I feel now is guilt and shame. Sure, his face was bizzare, his kids are blond and with blue eyes, his style "eclectic" and personal life .. I have said enough in the past.
Now that I try to digest the news of his sad death, I am left with one word. Lonely.
Why I don't really know, as he always sorrounded himself with the most out there people and stars. Perhaps his gravitation towards older women (Ross, Taylor), followed by the pursuit of children's company. He just seemed so lonely and so utterly lost. Michael, I sincerely apologise for my many cruel jokes about you.
I will play your beautiful song "Ijust can't stop loving you" tonight and think only good things of you. Rest in peace. I hope you have found everything you were so clearly looking for in heaven.

Friends

There are times in life when the going gets real though. It happens to most of us.
Its what they call life, I guess. When the shit hits the fan, you need your friends. Funnily enough this is a time when you get a fresh outlook on reality also in that aspect. When life is good and money is good, health is good and so on, friends hang out and are frequently part of your life. But, in times of need you really figure out who your true friends are. Many vanish overnight.
Suddenly they are gone. Perhaps embarrassed of your situation?
May not want to be involved or associated with your problems. Who knows..
But it's a fact. In times of trouble you really can tell who your true friends really are.
On the positive side,- the ones that do stick around will be a source of much strenght and joy! Sometimes you'll be surprised too. It may not be the ones you would have guessed that stick around, or disappear. You may learn you have better friends in some than you thought.
A toast to good friends! They make life a much better place!