Clouds

The cloud of Torndheim.
The one who I got and the one who got away.
Its serine... a word a wonderful man once thought me. I've spent most day wanting to punch people  Not a great place to be. Being discarded and dismissed, inarticulate, superfluousness  inept and wrong..its a lot to take. But luckily a man is there for me. Just for me. And its where I want to be

Ach, und könnt' ich doch 
nur ein einz'ges mal 
die Uhren rückwärts dreh'n. 
Denn wie viel von dem, 
was ich heute weiß, 
hätt ich lieber nie gesehn. 

Es gibt kein Weg zurück. 
Es gibt kein Weg zurück. 

Dein Leben dreht sich nur im Kreis, 
so voll von weggeworf'ner Zeit, 
deine Träume schiebst du endlos vor dir her. 
Du willst noch leben, irgendwann, 
doch wenn nicht heute, wann denn dann? 
Denn irgendwann ist auch ein Traum zu lange her. 

And that was it

I have cursed you for letting me go. For putting it to bed and for moving on.
I know just too well how easy it is. A shame really.
I had a hunch, that's why I fought it so,- because I know what happens when you let go.
Let it go, set sail, vanish, drift away. Something once gale force.

Now, that I gave up as well. Once I put it to bed. It's hard to remember a thing.
That's how it works. Like a dusty mantelpiece on a shelf.
That's what I was scared of and why I acted like a leech.
I knew once I let go there would be nothing left.
When I too let go, there would be nothing left of you and me.
But here I am also slipping into the letting go, and thus
we are nothing but very very little anymore.
I'm a rubber band that stretches far too long, but once it snaps.. 

Up for air

I'm up for air. It's time to live again. Somewhere within the last 16 months I lost myself. Where did I go?

Honestly I don't know. But I sure was gone. 

I'm sure some of you must have had a similar experience at some point in your life. Where a year or more of your life just seems a hazy fog, and its as if it never happened. You can see yourself walking through that phase as a zombie. It's you, but it isn't at the same time.
You want to yell out to the you in the past all sorts of warnings and corrections, yet you know deep down it would not have mattered. That period of time was doomed. It's time you will never get back.But you have the option to continue the zombie-version of yourself or snap out of it. Mostly it passes on it's own, however every now and then you must give it a little push.
Once the smallest of push is made, and you step out of the underworld ready to become yourself again.
The one you used to be, the one you were at your best,- the one you know you could be and the one you should be...magic can happen. I have exited zombie-world and faced the mirror. And I said "enough of this shit!
I might be flawed in every conceivable way, but I don't wish this existence on my worst enemy. I miss ME!"I might be flawed in every conceivable way, but I don't wish this existence on my worst enemy. I miss ME!"
As one say "Misery loves company", the same applies to positivism. Since I snapped out of my misery I have had a string of good luck. Good for me !

Great article about the effects of isolation and loneliness. No wonder I have been going bonkers up here in Trondheim

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200308/the-dangers-loneliness

As usual

I can not sleep. Thinking about thinking. Much Bible history thoughts today. Pontus Pilatus. Turn the other cheek.. Planning. What is next? Landlord gave me the last kick in the ass I needed. I am to be out by end of May. They have started measuring things up. Unfortunately my darn back is out again, so I'm lying here contemplating how to embrace my new single life the best. I'm quite sure I will make a mess out of it, but at least it will be my mess and I have nobody expecting the worst of me at all times but myself.