Its a weird time to cross your own path. I am going to see if i can make it usable again. This blog. Thanks for being there with me,  

selfies and male leather skirts

What kind of self-obsessed madness have come upon us? Just read that taking "selfies" of your BUM, has a name.... Kanye west and the rest of them are wearing leather skirts.. We try so hard to swallow the kilt as it is.. now men are wearing skirts? Jared Leto sported a ..yes.. chiffon.. skirt last red carpet.. Just read there is more demand at the moment for breast implant removal than implants. Kylie M is doing a Madonna on us.. same shit. PU IT AWAY. Worst song ever btw.. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fL6FaI-wJxs

Gwenyth Paltrow twerking with tofu appetizers on her skinny ass next? Cripes! As I predicted Justin B is heading for rehab, what I hadn't vouched for was Selena Gomez beating him to it. Just saw Beyonze's newest single. She is "drunk in love" soft-porning it on a beach, pornhub material.. Dreadful song.. almost as bad as Kim K and Kanye's motorcycle shocker..  People have all now become super timid to what we put on FB. It was more fun at least, mealtime updates or not, when we did not have all these filters to what we posted.. now everyone are so salongfahig and PC on FB its a long yawn. Ahrg... I sound like an older version of myself.. oops.. I am..

What a difference a year makes. My birthday coming up and things could not be more different. I am back on the rock. I am back in my house. I am back in my skin and I am back in my mind. Praise the lord, there is space for me again. The space I am willing to give myself. Other people can define it, but that does not mean I have to inhabit the limited space they give me. The world is big. I have learned massive lessons about loosing. Loosing my home, my love and my mind. And I have learned the importance of letting go and move on. Like reptiles shed skin I have shed over the scope of 2 years: fake friends, wrong place to be, substance-less man, bad habits, my animals, wrong self-image/right self-image and tons of personal integrity, pride, stubbornness, possessions and illusions.... ah illusions... Approaching another year of life no longer makes me shiver, -it makes me smile. As my beautiful friend always tells me: karma will take care of the people who've wronged... That hopefully means I have paid enough. Lord and his wife knows I have had a lot to pay for. But just maybe I am off the hook for a little while now. That would be nice. And then some. I don't really know how to be an adult. But finally I am getting willing and eager to learn.    

Huge long Norwegian "Ufffff".. The kind that stings, please. Something should stop this nonsense. I know not whether to cry or cry.. Its all so lost. Such morgue. But alive in the hate for me. And I know I need articulation of this hate and I know I am not in the right. The person I wish to portray myself as and the one I am being are Napoleonic apart. Somehow I am so distant from my own image of what to be tare not the same. I am completely and utterly lost. I am told I hate. And I don't think I can live with that.
I don't hate! I just live in fear. I don't wish other people ill.
How we deal with loss I have thought much of lately. 

Clouds

The cloud of Torndheim.
The one who I got and the one who got away.
Its serine... a word a wonderful man once thought me. I've spent most day wanting to punch people  Not a great place to be. Being discarded and dismissed, inarticulate, superfluousness  inept and wrong..its a lot to take. But luckily a man is there for me. Just for me. And its where I want to be

Ach, und könnt' ich doch 
nur ein einz'ges mal 
die Uhren rückwärts dreh'n. 
Denn wie viel von dem, 
was ich heute weiß, 
hätt ich lieber nie gesehn. 

Es gibt kein Weg zurück. 
Es gibt kein Weg zurück. 

Dein Leben dreht sich nur im Kreis, 
so voll von weggeworf'ner Zeit, 
deine Träume schiebst du endlos vor dir her. 
Du willst noch leben, irgendwann, 
doch wenn nicht heute, wann denn dann? 
Denn irgendwann ist auch ein Traum zu lange her. 

And that was it

I have cursed you for letting me go. For putting it to bed and for moving on.
I know just too well how easy it is. A shame really.
I had a hunch, that's why I fought it so,- because I know what happens when you let go.
Let it go, set sail, vanish, drift away. Something once gale force.

Now, that I gave up as well. Once I put it to bed. It's hard to remember a thing.
That's how it works. Like a dusty mantelpiece on a shelf.
That's what I was scared of and why I acted like a leech.
I knew once I let go there would be nothing left.
When I too let go, there would be nothing left of you and me.
But here I am also slipping into the letting go, and thus
we are nothing but very very little anymore.
I'm a rubber band that stretches far too long, but once it snaps.. 

Up for air

I'm up for air. It's time to live again. Somewhere within the last 16 months I lost myself. Where did I go?

Honestly I don't know. But I sure was gone. 

I'm sure some of you must have had a similar experience at some point in your life. Where a year or more of your life just seems a hazy fog, and its as if it never happened. You can see yourself walking through that phase as a zombie. It's you, but it isn't at the same time.
You want to yell out to the you in the past all sorts of warnings and corrections, yet you know deep down it would not have mattered. That period of time was doomed. It's time you will never get back.But you have the option to continue the zombie-version of yourself or snap out of it. Mostly it passes on it's own, however every now and then you must give it a little push.
Once the smallest of push is made, and you step out of the underworld ready to become yourself again.
The one you used to be, the one you were at your best,- the one you know you could be and the one you should be...magic can happen. I have exited zombie-world and faced the mirror. And I said "enough of this shit!
I might be flawed in every conceivable way, but I don't wish this existence on my worst enemy. I miss ME!"I might be flawed in every conceivable way, but I don't wish this existence on my worst enemy. I miss ME!"
As one say "Misery loves company", the same applies to positivism. Since I snapped out of my misery I have had a string of good luck. Good for me !

Great article about the effects of isolation and loneliness. No wonder I have been going bonkers up here in Trondheim

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200308/the-dangers-loneliness